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Parent: I never did heroin. But I did try speed once. That stuff really helped me get through a test!

Mom: Don't worry about sagging when you're older, honey. You come from a long line of men and women with very perky boobs.

(To me, her daughter)
Mom: In order to distract you, I was going to french kiss you. But then I realized that was weird.

Dad: A little stress is necessary for life. If we don't have stress we're dead. It's necessary and crunchy, like bacon.
Me: So, you just said stress is the bacon of life?

Dad: If you're going to experiment in college like I did, use acid or any other liquid drug.
Me: Why?
Dad: With your Asthma,you'd take one drag from a joint and your lungs would close up tighter than our mom's hoo-hoo before we had you.

(Looking at white-out bottle)
Mom: Why don't plants grow in these?

Grandma: I don't eat much meat…though they do say bacon is meat.

Mom: Eat your fruits! They're a good source of vitamins and vegetables.

Mom: Isabelle, your 18! I think it's time you come home!

Me: Mum, please watch where you're going.
Mum: If the kids dont like my driving, they should get off the sidewalk.