(Randomly walking into my room.)

Dad: Sex is better than belly dancing!

(Walks away.)

(Mom walked in on me getting kinky with my boyfriend)
Mom: I’ve been to 11 county fairs, and 3 goat screwing contests. I’ve never seen anything like that.
My Boyfriend: They have goat screwing contests?

Mom: I can’t find your Father’s Day present.
Dad: What do you mean there is a raccoon in the kitchen?
-My mother and I stare at him oddly-
Dad: Okay, wait, what did you say?

Me: "I’m going to change into pajamas."
My dad: "I’m going to change into a chrysalis."

Dad: "Ok, we’re getting a dog, but whatever you do, don’t touch it’s d**k."

Me: "Hey dad, remind me to tape survivor."
Dad:"I’ll remember. I have a memory like a duck."
Me: "Ducks have a good memory?"
Dad: "Not really."

Me(on wondering if I could get my ears pierced again): “When can I get my second hole?”
Mom: “Aren’t all girls already born with 3?”

Submitted by: Bish

Step-Dad: "When I was young, the men were men, the women were men, and the sheep ran in terror"

Submitted by: Mizzy-poo

Nana: You better watch out for Bella! She’s just quick as a dick!

-Talking about my dog

Dad (who had just eaten dinner): I forgot dessert… Can I eat you instead?
Me: Wouldn’t that be considered cannibalism?
Dad: That’s only if you eat the torso.
Me: ….Then what are you planning to eat?
Dad: …* awkward silence* Eh… Forget it…