Out of the blue whilst enjoying a quiet dinner.
60 year old mother: "I didn’t discover masturbation until I was 25!"
Me: "What!????"

Submitted by:

Shelleymarie80

Mom: You should try *whispered* “self stimulation” It is REALLY great!

Mom: When you were born I did not think you could handle having a silent letter in your name.

My mom: I wanna go to Florida. Ohio is too cold. I wish I had the money to go to Florida. Maybe I’ll become a prostitute….

Uncle: "Your aunt couldn’t make it, so I brought the cat."

Submitted by: AbsentAunt

Aunty on hearing that her grandsons wanted their sister named April
“But April is the name of a month, why would anyone want to name a girl after a month?

Me: Hmm I have no idea Aunty JUNE, none at all”

Friend’s Dad bursts into living room while we were watching a movie with some girls.

“Dammit! Will you stop leaving skid marks in your boxers?! Please and thank you!”

Mom (randomly): “Do you shave your butthole?”
Me: “No! WHY would I do that?!”
Mom: “Because it looks better on camera.”

My brother: “Dad, your barn door is open.”
Dad (after looking down at his crotch): “It doesn’t matter when your horse is dead.”

me: why are you pushing the buttons on the phone so hard?
grams: well the phone number is on the other side of the river so you have to push harder to send the signal all the way over there.