Mom: Orange juice is empty calories! Now, eat these Oreos.

Dad: Those soldiers over in Iraq have it tough with all the IUDs exploding around them.

Brother: If I was gay would you still love me?
Mom: I’ve never loved you.

Me: Thanks for waking me up at 3 in the morning with truck fumes.
Dad: I figured the carbon monoxide would help you sleep.

Mom: If you’re being kidnapped, just poop your pants. They’ll leave you alone.

Submitted by: T.Stark

Me: I’m nervous about asking the owner of the car I hit to not contact insurance, and just let us pay out of pocket.
Dad: When I was 18, I got in a fender bender and settled it over beer and a joint. I think it was the joint that did it.

Mom: Your sister was planned. You…I had too much alcohol at a christmas party and your dad took advantage of it.

Submitted by:

YipYip

Me: If you would quit smoking we wouldn’t have this problem.
Dad: If I were a virgin we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Mom: What are you guys doing?
Me: Playing Killer Kings and I’ve Never.
Mom: Well, have you ever sat naked on a suede couch with a glass of wine after just getting out of a hot tub?
Me: Uhh, no…
Mom: I win.

Me: Why dont we ever pick up homeless people?
Dad: How do you think we got you?