(I’m 23) Me: Dad, you never really gave me the sex talk.
Dad: You'll get that talk when you lose your virginity.

Mom: She needs to keep her damn legs closed! Or use Kryptonite birth control!
Me: I dont think she’s having sex with Superman. Kryptonite ain’t gonna help.
Mom: What did I just say? What the hell is Kryptonite again?

(Randomly walking into my room.)

Dad: Sex is better than belly dancing!

(Walks away.)

Mom: Last night, I told your father we could have sex or he can do the laundry. He did the laundry.

(My mom just learning to text)
Mom: "I really don’t like this T9 crap, i was texting your uncle cause he needed his pants hemmed. T9 made me put ‘i will sex them for you!’"

Dad: "Just remember the rule of three, you’ll die three minutes without oxygen, three days without water, three weeks without food, and three months without sex."

A few weeks after my girlfriend’s mom walked in on us having sex.
Girlfriend’s Dad: "You don’t have to say anything. Just give me knuckles if you finished after you got caught."
me (nervous): "Uh." *knuckles*
Girlfriend’s dad: "MY MAN!"

Submitted by:

BoyDragon

(Dad’s birds and bees talk at a family reunion) "Boy look around at all your cousins. This family doesn’t shoot blanks. Remember that."

Mom: "So how’s Vicki’s necrophilia these days?"
My friend has narcolepsy…

(While car-shopping.)
Dad: "You can’t have this one."
Me: "Why not?"
Dad: "It has a back seat."
Me: "And…?"
Dad: "You have a boyfriend."