Mom: "Do you think that rooster was gay? I think there was something in the way he walked."

Me: "My friend who’s 21 has a twin brother."
Mom: "Oh, how old is his
brother?"

Mom (with a taser in hand): "Come here let me test this on you."

(My mom just learning to text)
Mom: "I really don’t like this T9 crap, i was texting your uncle cause he needed his pants hemmed. T9 made me put ‘i will sex them for you!’"

Mom: "I really don’t care for being set on fire."

Mom: "I hate the internet. I can’t even google Jeff Bridges without it giving me ‘FIND HOT P&$#Y NOW.’"

Mom: "I just can’t keep all these boys’ names straight."
Me: "Would you rather I date girls?"
Mom: "Sometimes, yes."

Me: "Babies’ are soooo cute."
Mom: "Not all babies. Your brother was the ugliest baby ever."
My Brother: "Mom!!!"
Mom: "What? It didn’t last. You were still able to get that girl pregnant."

Mom: "You’re getting fat you know? You need to work out. Your boyfriend too. Both of you are like turkeys waiting to be cooked."

Me: "They offered me the retail job, but I get to choose whether I want to work full-time or part-time."
Mom: "You should work part-time. I don’t think you have 40 hours of ‘nice’ in you. Maybe 24."