“I can’t hear that fast!”

-My mother trying to listen to rap

Mum, (holding a packet in her hand): “Ooh, Iced Vo-Vos! They don’t even make these any more!”

Mom: “Stop reading all those damn books, you’ll get stupid! Go outside and play.”

“So, where are these seven windows everyone is talking about?”

- My mum, talking about Windows 7.

Me: I live in a Jewish neighborhood now.
Mother: Oh? Do you see acidic Jews walking around?

Submitted by: digijen

My mother (always very nasty when drunk): “You’re the f**king spawn of Satan!”
Me (rolling eyes): “You realize that makes you the Devil’s bitch, right?”

Submitted by: Psychocat

Mom: Can I get a Dr. Pepper?
Taco Bell employee: We don’t serve Dr. Pepper.
Mom: But it’s on your menu…
Taco Bell employee: Yeah, but we don’t serve it.
Mom: …Do you serve tacos?

Mom:”What is this?!?A condom!?!?Are you sexually active?!(Holding up a yogurt wrapper with the silver side facing her)
Me:”Ummm…That’s a yogurt wrapper, mom..”
Mom:”(turns the label towards herself) ohh…well..Don’t let me catch you eating in here!!”

While driving around for a place to eat.

Mom: Ooh! That place looks good! Let’s stop there!

Me: Mom…that’s a porn shop.

Mom: What’s a boner?
Me: Mom, you grew up in the ’70s. You *know* what a boner is!
Mom (grins): I know. (points to the huddled mess that is my little brother as he keeps his hands over his ears) I just like to fuck with your brother.
Brother: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!! LA LA LA!!!