Me: Mom, if women dating younger men are called cougars, what is a guy called who dates a younger woman?
Mom:Pig?

Me: Is that knife sharp enough?
Mom: When you cut vegetables, it’s not enough. When killing people, it’s enough.

(Talking about Snuggies at dinner)
Brother: They have knock-off snuggies at Walmart called blankets.
Mom: Next thing you know, they’re going to have ones with holes in the crotch, called wankets.

Mom: "I keep forgetting stuff! It’s like I have Eisenhower’s!"

Mom: "I don’t have the perfect body, but I’m still beautiful!"
Dad: "Well, let’s not get carried away here."

Me: “I thought you hated cheese…”
Mom: “I don’t hate it, I just don’t like it on hamburgers. It’s okay on cheeseburgers, though.”

Submitted by: Haven’t a Clue

Mom: “Okay, go get the electric broom and sweep in here.”
Me: “Electric broom? We have an electric broom?”
Mom: “Yes.”
Me: “And where is it?”
Mom: “Right there.”
Me: “…that’s a vacuum, Mom.”
Mom: “…be quiet and get to work.”

Submitted by: Casey

“You better be using protection. Accidents happen, how do you think you got here?”

- Our first sex talk.

Please leave the room. You make it look messy in here.

- Before guests arrived

“I can’t believe I could have given birth to some of those kids. They’re really cute.”

-My mom talking about the high school football team.