My Mom: “Why, in Disney movies, does the mom always have to die?”
My Dad: “So everyone else can live happily ever after!”

Submitted by: Hannah

Dad: (to mom) When you go to the bathroom, don’t put the toilet paper back on the roll.
Mom: (looking puzzled) I never do.

-Dad trying, poorly, to explain he had just repaired to toilet roll holder, and didn’t want the weight of the roll on it till the glue dried.

Dad: I have a pack of rechargeable batteries. Does anyone have a use for some of them?
Mom: Can I use them for my vibrator?

Submitted by: Nicole

Mom: You know you can ask me nicely and say ‘dear who I love very much, please do this for me’.
Dad: But then I would be lying!

Submitted by: But they’ve been married for over 20 years

Mom (talking about New Orleans): Do you want your daughter to show off her boobs?
Dad: Well if you go to New Orleans, its kind of a requirement..

Submitted by: Kailei

Mom (at Dad): Why are you eating that? You don’t even like it!
Dad: Because it’s there.

Submitted by: MrBlack

(Regarding a co-worker who went vegan)
Mom: "She can’t eat meat… She can’t eat anything that had a face!"
Dad: "Does that include clocks?"

Submitted by: Jes

Dad: (While reading a note) Huh? What’s ‘ponsilitis’?
Mom: It’s ‘tonsilitis’. The T looks like a P.
Dad: Oh thank heavens… it sounded like he’d caught something… fruity.

Submitted by: James

Dad: "You know that movie with that guy in it who does that thing?"
Mom: (without hesitation): "We already have that movie, pick another."

Submitted by: I understood him too

Dad: “It was about a sailor.”
Mom: “Then it couldn’t have been about my grandpa.”
Dad: “Why not?”
Mom: “He was a sailor.”

Submitted by: Melissa