Dad: “No one eats lunch. Lunch is an American myth. It’s just a hoax to give people an excuse to eat extra food in the middle of the day.”

Mom: “I’m not drunk! *runs into refrigerator* WHY DID YOU PUT THAT THERE?!”

Grandpa: What is that?
Me: My wine, Grandpa.
Grandpa: …you’re a wino! I’m so proud. Someone had to take it up when I slowed down. What a good granddaughter, upholding tradition.

Dad: It’s horrible about that monkey killing that woman, but you don’t get a monkey drunk. You don’t party with a monkey.

Me texting my mom one night:

Me: Mom, does our insurance cover birth control?
Mom: That’s a hell of a question to ask when I’m drunk!

Submitted by: Alysha

Me: Are you really going to mix that with a Diet coke?
Dad: I don’t want to get drunk AND fat, one thing at a time

Mum, drunk and shouting off the front balcony as I walk/escape with my friends: IT WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY HEART TO KNOW THAT MY FOOD IS INSIDE YOU! DEEP INSIDE ALL OF YOU!

“You need to learn how to drink scotch to impress your publishers. If you don’t drink scotch, then I’ll assume you gave them a blow-job.”

- Dad’s advice to his teenage daughter.