Mom: I got you real Sudafed, you know, the kind they make meth out of!

(My boyfriend gave me a stuffed puffin)
Mom: Why do you have a stuffed parrot?
Me: He's a puffin, and his name's Li'l Puff.
Mom: Is that a drug reference?
Me: Yes Mom, it's filled with pot and I'm lighting him up later.
Mom: I'll grab the chips.

Me: I’m nervous about asking the owner of the car I hit to not contact insurance, and just let us pay out of pocket.
Dad: When I was 18, I got in a fender bender and settled it over beer and a joint. I think it was the joint that did it.

Me: What, where you stoned during my conception?
Dad: No. Tripping on acid, maybe.

Mom: I never got high when I was young.
Me: Yeah mom, I know.
Mom: I was too busy getting drunk all the time.

Mom: Are you camping at Doug’s again? I bet you’ll just get high in his tent.
Dad: I have my own tent.

Dad: I jumped over a Volkswagon Beetle once.
Me: How!?
Dad: Wine and pharmaceuticals may have been involved.

Dad: Ahhh, I remember my first pay day, I spent most of it on hookers and coke. And the rest I wasted.

My mom, who is a conservative Christian:
"You know? I would love to grow marijuana!! *I burst out laughing* What’s so funny?! It’s not like I’m going to SELL it!!! I just think it’s pretty!"

Me: "Mom, I’m stressing out over things for no good reason."
Mom: "Have a glass of wine, or a beer when you get home."
Me: "Don’t like either, really."
Mom: "Smoke a doobie for God’s sake… just don’t get the munchies!"

Submitted by:

SunInSeattle