Dad: I jumped over a Volkswagon Beetle once.
Me: How!?
Dad: Wine and pharmaceuticals may have been involved.

Uncle: My wife is an angel.
Dad: You lucky bastard, mine’s still alive!

Dad: Ahhh, I remember my first pay day, I spent most of it on hookers and coke. And the rest I wasted.

Dad: Hey, when do you want us to fill out your financial aid forms?
Brother: How about right now?
Dad: No, not now. But good for you for calling my bluff.

Epic Fatherly Advice:
Don’t date the sane ones, they’ll only make you crazy. Date the really insane ones but never let them know where you live or work.

(While discussing marriage)
Me: "Dad, what makes a marriage work?"
Dad: "Not having childeren."

Dad: "So, when are you going to bring your boyfriend over?"
Me: "Sam, I’m not gay."
Dad: "Your shirt yesterday said, ‘Sissy’ on the chest."
Me: "It said ‘Sassy.’"
Dad: "See?"

My dad texts me from a heavy metal concert, "I’d do the mosh thing, but I don’t want to break my reading glasses."

Dad: “So while we were there I took the cat down to the beach to see the ocean for the first time.”
Me: “What did he think?”
Dad: “He wasn’t impressed…”

Submitted by: Calliope

Well he might have a different idea of what the ocean is supposed to be.

Dad “Your room smells like a meth lab.”

Submitted by: vanilasoda