(On my way to my first day of college, my dad hands me an aspirin)

Dad: Birth control; just hold between your knees and squeeze.

Dad: Hey, when do you want us to fill out your financial aid forms?
Brother: How about right now?
Dad: No, not now. But good for you for calling my bluff.

(talking about me, his 12 year old daughter’s future.)
Me: "I’m going to go to a good college!
Dad: "No, you’re not, you’re probably going to get pregnant at 17 by a redneck."

(On my first day of college)
Mom: "If I could give you one thing I wish my parents had told me when I left for college."
Me: "What’s that?"
Mom: "Marry for money not for love."

(After the tour guide at a college said she had a degree in agricultural communications)
Mom: "Does that mean she talks to corn?"

Parents talking my sister and I about college expenses and our futures (we’re both girls).
Mom: "I think you both are gonna make wonderful husbands someday!"
Dad: "Great, now I gotta pay for sex-change operations too???"

Mom (giving me and my friends advice for our first year at college): "Don’t sleep in boy’s rooms in college, because boys don’t cuddle. They get erections and then you die."

Mum: "You know, I had a threeway once, with my first two roommates back in college."
Me: "Uhm …Weren’t your roommates dad and his girlfriend at the time?"
Mum: "Yes. Thats how we met."

Submitted by: Good to know…

Dad: "I don’t care if you smoke crack before every class, as long as you keep your scholarship I’m proud of you."

Submitted by: JustHollerz

“Well son, for the most part you’ve wiped your own ass through college…but your mom and me had to fold the toilet paper.”