(My first holiday without parents)
Mom: Don't get drunk on the plane, because if it crashes, you'll need your wits about you.

Dad: "Just remember the rule of three, you’ll die three minutes without oxygen, three days without water, three weeks without food, and three months without sex."

Me: "They offered me the retail job, but I get to choose whether I want to work full-time or part-time."
Mom: "You should work part-time. I don’t think you have 40 hours of ‘nice’ in you. Maybe 24."

Grandpa: "Swear at it. That’ll make it it work better."

Me: "Mom, I’m stressing out over things for no good reason."
Mom: "Have a glass of wine, or a beer when you get home."
Me: "Don’t like either, really."
Mom: "Smoke a doobie for God’s sake… just don’t get the munchies!"

Submitted by:

SunInSeattle

(On my first day of college)
Mom: "If I could give you one thing I wish my parents had told me when I left for college."
Me: "What’s that?"
Mom: "Marry for money not for love."

Father: "Find a ugly girl rather than a hot one, then there would be less people wanting to steal her."

Submitted by:

FullaLead

Dad: “If you’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between s**t and syphilis. That’s life, kiddo.”

Mom: "You know, gossip is just like a fart. Once it’s out you never know where it will spread, or who it will hit."

Submitted by:

Hap

In response to my recent weight loss:
Dad: "There’s a tub of margarine in the fridge. Go eat it."