(Arguing about who would pick me up from a concert)
Dad: You’re the one who wanted a daughter!
Mum: No! I said I wanted a LABRADOR!

Me: Why do I feel like no one cares?
Dad: Well, probably because you smell weird and your mom dresses you funny.

Grandma: If you dress right, you should never have to pay for a night out at the bar…in fact, you may even make money!

(After being asked if he needed a box to carry home my first hamster)
Dad: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Mom: When I was younger, I either wanted to fly or be a mob boss.

Dad: People with mustaches aren’t allowed to eat ice cream, that’s the rule.

Me: I hate sitting in the front row. We’re going to get wet.
Mum: A little water never killed anyone, except for people that drowned.

(Directed towards a telemarketer)
Dad: WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?! ON THE SEVENTH NIGHT OF THE NINTH MOON!

Mom: Orange juice is empty calories! Now, eat these Oreos.

Dad: Those soldiers over in Iraq have it tough with all the IUDs exploding around them.